On Forgiveness and Change

The weaning process has been very hard on me.  Luke seems to be fine but my hormones are completely out of whack and I look forward to this time passing quickly so I can feel normal again.  My sadness is tied into the fact that he may be my last baby.  I want more kids but am scared to go through another pregnancy for fear of another loss. 

I find myself feeling out of sorts with emotions lately which have me thinking about a lot of things.  The biggest topic which keeps popping up is that of forgiveness and the issues that I have with it.

A lot of it stems from the way I was growing up.  I was a nice kid who had great friends and also had some "friends" who treated me like crap, yet I kept coming back for more.  For me, it was all of the insecurities that come from being a teen aged girl and therefore fitting in with the group.  There's always a ring leader and if you stand up to the ring leader, your on the outs of the group.  Not with the group.  On the outs of the group. The friendships within, remain secretly intact, however when it comes to social gatherings, the one who stands up to the leader wll most frequently find herself sitting at home on a Saturday night.

I was the girl who stood up to the leader and found herself sitting at home on quite a few weekends in a row, while the rest of my friends were out at the parties with the leader of the pack.  Which looking back, doesn't say very much for those friendships but that's neither here nor there.

I didn't like sitting home so I learned to smile like a jerk in the face of the leader just to be able to go to the next party. Thus, be accepted by the group.  Eventually, as I became more self assured, I broke ties with such friends and moved on.  Things haven't changed much, I'm still the same girl who stands up for herself, and who suffers the consequences because of it.  What has changed though is that I no longer smile like a jerk, in the face of one!

A lot of the issues I had growing up with always taking people's crap, had to do with my Catholic upbringing. I was taught by my parents and the church to be merciful.  To show forgiveness.  It's the right thing to do.  That's true, but I believe that forgiveness is really the right thing to do for ourselves.  The people who hurt us didn't care enough in the first place not to, so they would care very little whether they were forgiven or not.  I also believe that Jesus loves us and doesn't care to see us continually being hurt by the same person/people.  In order to love others, we must first love and I'll add respect ourselves.

I saw a lot of myself in Ava and Stephen and I began to work with her.  She had been in a Christian preschool and they had a certain protocol which they follow when kids get into altercations.  Basically, one kid does something mean to another and then the kid who is wronged then has to explain to the kid who did something mean what they did that got them so upset in order to get their apology.  If they don't use their words, they don't get the apology.  Once they do use their words, the kid who did something wrong then says that their sorry and the kid who was hurt needs to say I forgive you and move one.  Which is absolutely fantastic for the kids who care very little about the feelings of their classmates and therefore hurt them in the first place, because there are no consequences.  It kinda sucks for the nice kids though.  

Stephen and I took matters into our own hands and Ava learned a hard lesson.  If you tell someone no and they see you crying and they do something to you anyway, they are NOT your friend.  Stay away from them because they will continue to do the same things over and over again. She cried.  But, in the end it's an excellent life lesson to have learned at a young age.  People don't change.  So you need to figure out who your friends are and move on from those who are not in order to live a happy, sane life.

We ran into someone this weekend who has never been nice to me and has been down right hurtful in the past. In being hurtful to me, this person was also very hurtful to Stephen.  He was a casualty of their not caring for me. There was no congratulations when Ava and Luke were born.  There was no call or card of condolence when Isabel died.  I said very little but in the end, asked how she was doing because I know she's going through a rough time.  I'm pissed at myself now for even doing so because she hurt me and Stephen through our kids and there's no forgiveness for that.

Her response...."Do you really care?"  People like this don't really change.

Mine response....NO!  I really don't.

I may not be changed for the better, but I have been changed for GOOD!