On Forgiveness and Change

The weaning process has been very hard on me.  Luke seems to be fine but my hormones are completely out of whack and I look forward to this time passing quickly so I can feel normal again.  My sadness is tied into the fact that he may be my last baby.  I want more kids but am scared to go through another pregnancy for fear of another loss. 

I find myself feeling out of sorts with emotions lately which have me thinking about a lot of things.  The biggest topic which keeps popping up is that of forgiveness and the issues that I have with it.

A lot of it stems from the way I was growing up.  I was a nice kid who had great friends and also had some "friends" who treated me like crap, yet I kept coming back for more.  For me, it was all of the insecurities that come from being a teen aged girl and therefore fitting in with the group.  There's always a ring leader and if you stand up to the ring leader, your on the outs of the group.  Not with the group.  On the outs of the group. The friendships within, remain secretly intact, however when it comes to social gatherings, the one who stands up to the leader wll most frequently find herself sitting at home on a Saturday night.

I was the girl who stood up to the leader and found herself sitting at home on quite a few weekends in a row, while the rest of my friends were out at the parties with the leader of the pack.  Which looking back, doesn't say very much for those friendships but that's neither here nor there.

I didn't like sitting home so I learned to smile like a jerk in the face of the leader just to be able to go to the next party. Thus, be accepted by the group.  Eventually, as I became more self assured, I broke ties with such friends and moved on.  Things haven't changed much, I'm still the same girl who stands up for herself, and who suffers the consequences because of it.  What has changed though is that I no longer smile like a jerk, in the face of one!

A lot of the issues I had growing up with always taking people's crap, had to do with my Catholic upbringing. I was taught by my parents and the church to be merciful.  To show forgiveness.  It's the right thing to do.  That's true, but I believe that forgiveness is really the right thing to do for ourselves.  The people who hurt us didn't care enough in the first place not to, so they would care very little whether they were forgiven or not.  I also believe that Jesus loves us and doesn't care to see us continually being hurt by the same person/people.  In order to love others, we must first love and I'll add respect ourselves.

I saw a lot of myself in Ava and Stephen and I began to work with her.  She had been in a Christian preschool and they had a certain protocol which they follow when kids get into altercations.  Basically, one kid does something mean to another and then the kid who is wronged then has to explain to the kid who did something mean what they did that got them so upset in order to get their apology.  If they don't use their words, they don't get the apology.  Once they do use their words, the kid who did something wrong then says that their sorry and the kid who was hurt needs to say I forgive you and move one.  Which is absolutely fantastic for the kids who care very little about the feelings of their classmates and therefore hurt them in the first place, because there are no consequences.  It kinda sucks for the nice kids though.  

Stephen and I took matters into our own hands and Ava learned a hard lesson.  If you tell someone no and they see you crying and they do something to you anyway, they are NOT your friend.  Stay away from them because they will continue to do the same things over and over again. She cried.  But, in the end it's an excellent life lesson to have learned at a young age.  People don't change.  So you need to figure out who your friends are and move on from those who are not in order to live a happy, sane life.

We ran into someone this weekend who has never been nice to me and has been down right hurtful in the past. In being hurtful to me, this person was also very hurtful to Stephen.  He was a casualty of their not caring for me. There was no congratulations when Ava and Luke were born.  There was no call or card of condolence when Isabel died.  I said very little but in the end, asked how she was doing because I know she's going through a rough time.  I'm pissed at myself now for even doing so because she hurt me and Stephen through our kids and there's no forgiveness for that.

Her response...."Do you really care?"  People like this don't really change.

Mine response....NO!  I really don't.

I may not be changed for the better, but I have been changed for GOOD!

On Weaning and Cabbage Leaves

I'm a little shocked and admittedly saddened by how quickly I was able to wean Luke.  He had been nursing less and less for some time but he always turned to nursing him to calm his moods.  If he had gotten hurt, angry, or was feeling a little sleepy, he always turned to me to comfort him by demanding to be nursed.  I also must admit that I was getting tired and a little uncomfortable when he'd demand milk, say in the middle of Panera when I was having coffee with a friend. 

I became intent on stopping the nursing when my Doctor gave me meds for my back a couple weeks ago, that weren't compatible with nursing.  I had been feeling like it was time to stop but didn't have the heart to do it because Luke may very well be my last baby.  That doesn't mean I wanted to continue nursing him forever, I just needed a little more time.  I took my back ache and prescription meds as a sign that it had become time to stop.

I figured the easiest thing to do would be to cut out the daytime feedings first.  In order to help with the pain of engorgement I used a trick that I learned after Isabel was delivered.  My milk had come in, even though I didn't have my baby and it was a very difficult time.  I was home from the hospital, absolutely beside myself because I lost her and then it happened...my milk came in.  Talking about rubbing salt in a wound. 

The advice my former Dr. gave me was to try binding the breasts in a tight fitting sports bra, but that didn't work at all.  I remember telling the nurses at his office how it wasn't working.  That everytime I checked milk would squirt out.  I remember sitting in the exam room waiting for the Dr. and hearing the nurses laughing saying that if I kept squeezing my breasts, the milk's never gonna dry up.  Thanks so much for your compassion. 

I had to take matter into my own hands and began to ask around and finally found someone who knew what to do.  The answer was cabbage leaves.  I feel compelled to say that this is a very personal post for me and the only reason that I'm going into such detail is because I have a lot of readers who find me through the Babyloss Directory as well as Glow In The Woods.  If this can help someone that's going though what I have, it's worth it to me to put myself out there like this.  I wasn't so brave at first though and ended up deleting a post on this topic after publishing the first time.

So what's this about the cabbage leaves?  Well, for some reason they work like a charm at drying up breast milk.  I'm assuming there's some chemical in it but haven't done the research to back that up so if any of you know what their magical powers are, please share your knowledge with all of us by leaving a comment in the comments section.

All I did was insert cold cabbage leaves into my sports bra and once they began to wilt I replaced them with new ones.  It only took a few days to work and dry up my supply.

I decided to do that with Luke and once again it worked like a charm.  I was no longer engorged and in pain during the day so it was easy for me to resist the urge to feed him in order to relieve the pain.  If I had fed him, my supply would have remained high and naturally, it wouldn't have helped the weaning process.

I think I was holding on to nursing because somehow in my mind, it meant that Luke was still my baby.   In the end I am extremely proud that I committed to nursing him for so long.  Longer than many do and I'm going to give myself credit for that. 

Please let me know what your experiences with weaning were like. Are there any tips and tricks that you'd like to share?

Goodbye Extra Points, I'll Miss You

Went for a follow up appointment at my Dr's today and all is well and my back is feeling better.  I'll be heading to kickboxing tomorrow morning and am very much looking forward to our playdate with some of Ava's old classmates afterwards.

I'm struggling a little with my weight due to weaning.  Nothing major, about 4 lbs, but something I need to nip in the bud.  Or is it nip in the butt?  I think it's bud.  Anyhow, I need to pay attention.  One of the great things about nursing is all the extra calories, a.k.a. Weight Watcher points you get each day.  If it were socially acceptable, I may have nursed Luke 'til he was 10 years old for all of those extra snacks!

Alas, it is not, so I did what needed to be done... I checked the no box next to are you a nursing mother on my online tracker today and said goodbye to 3 points per day.  When I was solely nursing I was having a field day with 10 extra points, then some were taken away once solids were added to Luke's diet and here I am with none.

It appears as Luke was being weaned, so was I!

I've heard it said that some women actually lose weight once their babies are weaned.  Has this happened to any of you?  Do any of you believe it's true? Or, do you think it's some old wive's tale designed to get our kids off the breast before they hit puberty?

On Breastfeeding and Pediatric Dentistry

I'm still breastfeeding Luke.  Very few times a day but nonetheless, I know it's time to pull the plug.  He's a willfull kid and is not taking the reduction of feedings lying down.  He points and yells and clasps his hands together begging "cheese!" (his version of please).  After listening closer I think he may actually be saying tease!!!  But, that's neither here nor there. I have to say that he looks really cute when he does that so I want to give in but I have to be strong because I have what seems to be a pinched nerve and need to get him off the breast so I can take the medication I need to.

Part of me wants to forget the meds so I don't have to stop breastfeeding him, but in the end, I know once we're done, I'll be relieved.  The only thing that's pulling on my heartstrings is the fact that he's probably the last baby for me so I don't want to cut the nursing short.  Although, it's been 2 years and I'm tired.  I didn't nurse Ava this long. I only nursed her to about 19 months when our Pediatric Dentist told me to stop immediately because Ava had 5 cavitites and needed a cap!  That's what happens when bad genetics and nursing to sleep combine with some kids.

Speaking of Ava and teeth.  On one of the last days of school, she and this little boy collided on the playground.  She smashed into his head with her teeth.  I was told by the teacher that the little boy had a goose egg and Ava's mouth was bleeding.  When I picked her up from school that day, I noticed that one of her teeth had broken as well.  I wondered if the other kid walked away with it in his head but figured it was on the playground somewhere and would eventually be mistaken as a unique white rock by one of the other kids and they would take it home and add it to their collection.  Kids do love rocks.  Which is fine I guess, as long as they're not putting them in their mouths or sticking them up their noses.

I have to say that it was a very clean break.  Very straight.  Cosmetically she was fine and an official soft-serve ice cream test after dance class that night, proved that there was no nerve damage.  I spoke to her dentist on the phone and she said that considering her age, there was really nothing to do as long as she wasn't in pain, as she'll start losing her teeth within a couple years anyhow.  Now we've noticed though that her front tooth, not the one that broke, the one next to it, is turning gray.  Some day it's grayer than others, which I cannot explain but was talking to a mommy friend yesterday who told me the same thing happened to her son.  She said that eventually, her sons tooth turned white again.  We'll see.  Oh, by the way, in case this helps anyone, our pediatric dentist said that if Ava's tooth was loose (which it wasn't) we should put her on a soft food only diet for 2 weeks.  She said this would allow the tooth to strengthen and would then re-attach.  Pretty cool, huh?