I have been operating way outside my comfort zone lately and it has me all out of sorts. I hate feeling this way. I am mostly unbelievably happy and optimistic about my blog, but sometimes I'm riddled with doubt.
I find this emotional rollercoaster that I'm on has me feeling a little off-kilter. We were at a party this weekend and although I was having a great time, I still sometimes feel a little uncomfortable when there's a lot of people around, mainly when there's a lot of people that I don't know well or haven't seen in a while. Unfortunately for me, and anyone standing next to me, when I feel uncomfortable, you just can't shut me up. I do not stop talking. I'm always thinking, "hmm, what can I talk about next?" and I talk and talk and talk and then start to feel uncomfortable by the fact that I'm talking so much.
I had to remove myself and my nervous chatter from the party for a couple minutes and went back to my apartment alone. I sat on the couch staring at the book that I have displayed on the mantle in our living room. It's called, I am Wherever You Are, (In the light of loss, paintings by N.A. Noel). It's a beautiful book that was given to me by a close friend a few weeks after Isabel was delivered. The paintings and poems still move me to tears.
"It's gonna be ok Mommy," was what my then, 2 year old daughter, said to me one day soon after Isabel's delivery. I had been resting in bed and she came into the room to see me. I was so sad and here my amazing little girl was comforting me.
And she was right...it's gonna be ok. Because, although there are still days like today, where I think of Isabel and feel a little sad, I know that I am blessed.
I am blessed in that, it is on most days, whether at the park with my daughter and son, or reading to them and mostly in times when we are just sitting still, and one or both of them are on my lap, that I am overwhelmed with feelings of profound joy and love and gratitude.